Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
