I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
