Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
