you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
