she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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