apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
