my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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