Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I want to walk on stilts...naked
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
