I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
