Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
