I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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