hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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