I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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