I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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