Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I faked an abortion last night.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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