i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
