My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
