How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
