look no pants
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
