i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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