I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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