So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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