god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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