So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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