Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
