I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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