pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Houston, we have a blender
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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