Someone shit on the floor
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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