I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
