that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
