You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
