I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
