there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
