Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
