shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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