shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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