Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
