Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
