just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
