I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
