just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
