i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
