My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
