I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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