You're completely useless in the revolution.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
