I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
