So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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