I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
