You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
