From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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