I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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