I can tuck mytits in my pants
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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