im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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